popcandy: (SpainRomano ♦ Tomato fairy smack you up)
[personal profile] popcandy
SO. I'm gonna sit and organize my thoughts because LOL I think I need to. It'll make me feel better.

I think the biggest thing I've noticed lately is that I've been wanting to change a big part of me. It's probably one of my biggest, if not THE biggest, flaw that I have. That is having a big mouth. A really big mouth. I love to talk and I will tell everybody everything because I've always trusted people right off the bat. Note that if you tell me to keep a huge thing secret, I will.

However, my memory sucks. Like I think for the day I guess so I fear I'll forget what is a secret and what isn't. I mean it could be a small thing like a small conversation, but if it was personal and was told to keep my mouth shut, what if I don't? What if I forget? And THIS BOTHERS ME. I don't like this side of me. So I've stopped with filtered plurks/ljs for the most part. I want to confront people if I have a problem with them. If it takes me ages to bring myself to do that then fine. That's what I'll do. That's the right thing to do. I NEED to do this. I need to close my mouth.

And at the same time, I'm also learning to assert myself. I'm learning to tell people, NO I can't do that, or NO I don't WANT to do that. I mean, I still love to help people and do what they want but if there are times that I want to do something, I'll say so. This is what I need to do too. Because I can't let the other person think everything is okay when it's not. I need to learn to grow up and let them know that no, it's not okay. It's not fair for them.

But see, these two things become a problem. Now I don't have justification that I'm RIGHT. I am someone who naturally feels like I have to be the one to apologize for EVERYTHING and that EVERYTHING is my fault and that I SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO PEOPLE even when it's apparent that they are the ones in the wrong. I've gotten into emotionally abusive relationships because of it and it sucks, let me tell you. Now, I know I can be wrong too! But that's what I used to talk to peopel for. Now, I'm stuck wondering everyday, LOL IS THIS FAIR. AM I WRONG. But these are personal issues that I shouldn't talk to other people about cuz it's not really their business either and the person I'm having issues with would not appreciate that I talk to other people about it. SO I'M STOPPING THAT but now I'M STUCK FEELING GUILTY AND CRAPPY AND GREEDY EVERY GD DAY BECAUSE OF IT.

This is partially why I wrote my last entry. I felt greedy because I wanted to do something for myself but I know that I had to do so much for others and for skipping out, I felt bad. And I wasn't sure if I was being the rude one for doing that. Because lately, I think I've been doing too much for myself and not enough for everyone else. And that makes me feel selfish/greedy. I used to use this as a way to grab attention in a sense and reassurance that I was not.

And that's the other part. I like attention. I know I do. It's horrible and I hate it cuz it makes me question if I am doing what I do JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO HELP and not because I expect things out of it. Attention is good and it's not wrong to like it but... I used to watch RPsecrets because of that reason and I hated that. I wanted to be namedropped or whatever and I CAN'T STAND THAT I SIT THERE, WATCHING EVERYDAY HOPING TO SEE MYSELF MENTIONED. I've been namedropped several times and I just need to STOP being so gd greedy. It's why I unfollowed it. But I still catch myself wanting attention and I peek over and I get so angry with myself.

I don't need it. I have my friends that tell me all the time how much they love me! And I love that. It should be all I need. I guess I just want to be the best for everyone and I want to be able to make everyone smile. I think the fights I've had this year and the friends I've lost have seriously hurt me more than I thought it would. It just feels like it was a personal failure. This began way back in January and has come up to this point. I know not all of it is my fault, but still. It hurts. I can't keep the negative feelings inside but it hurts to think that others might. I'm too quick to let things go and I will never ever be able to say goodbye completely. Even now, I still reach out and I don't know why. Some have even reached out to me first and when it happens, I cry with relief. Even if I was the one to stop talking, I just sit and cry with relief.

It's just sad. It makes me sad, not being able to fix something. And it's only really happened this year. In the middle of it, I am trying to change myself and not allow myself to be stepped on because that can hurt other friends. If I make the choice myself, then that's a different story but if I do it just to avoid problems, then that isn't right. And I think that is what is gonna make me stronger.

But also, I'm getting weaker in other areas. I am sick of wanting all this attention. I need to be stronger! I don't need it because I know I have it. It's like I'm not satisfied with what I have. Because for once, I'm starting to think, "I did all this for someone, why don't I get any back" and I don't WANT to think like that. LOL I don't GIVE expecting something in return. I give because I want someone to feel happy. That's it. So this is the battle I am having with myself atm. It's not horrible but it's something so frustrating.

But I plan to be productive. This way I can tell myself that I did a good job. And that way, I can be proud of what I've done. That's what I need to do. I want to be awesome and do a lot of work like everyone else. I want to say to myself, "You did a great job. I'm proud of you." So that's my goal this holiday.

I'm sorry for begging for attention and being such a gd downer on top of it. Because really these sudden mood changes are just that. Sudden. I really am happy about 90% of the time. Just sometimes, I think about something and I'm like aklsdjjjjjdf afterwards.

To everyone that commented on my Santa meme, no matter who you are, I really do love you. And they really made me smile this morning. And to everyone else, I hope your holidays are wonderful. You all really deserve it, okay? ♥

Thank you guys for being awesome. Thank you for being so patient with me. I know this must get frustrating but trust me, I appreciate it much more than you could imagine.


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November 2011

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