popcandy: (Switzerland ♦ Hngh)
I open up my e-mail, start a new one, and end up staring at the blank canvas for ages. "Dear ___" and that's it. I need to write several of these, but I just don't know if I have the energy to. But I have to. I don't want to seem like I'm running away. To be honest, that's probably what's happening. I'm afraid of something with each and every single e-mail. As if its something I'll regret, and it would be better to forget. But I can't forget, and I know I'll regret it even MORE if I don't face it, but when it feels like the result is not going to be the one I want, it is...just this sort of fear. I guess?

It's just a weird feeling that I can feel comfort and a looming feeling (idk how to explain this one) all at the same time. It's confusing. Everything is confusing. I cannot understand. And it's really hard to deal with it. There was one point I was so afraid and honestly, I don't want to face that again. I don't know my feelings. I can try and lay it out but I don't think they'll make the sense they need to.

I care. The energy is just missing. Sometimes it just hurts a bit too much. Because even now, I still don't know what I am doing wrong? And when I point it out, I don't get a reply. Just anger, silence, and then suddenly, everything is okay AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. Sometimes it's enough to make me cry. WHY DID YOU DISAPPEAR. WHERE ARE YOU. Did those memories not happen? Is it suddenly okay or is it NOT okay?

If it's not okay, then why did you try to make me feel like it was? Why did you seem so happy when all you could do was curse under your breath? I loved you so much and I did not see that I was hurting you. I saw a brief moment of unhappiness and then you came to me, smiling. Was I supposed to just assume that you were still angry? I cannot figure that out at all.

Why do people swear I am trying to hurt them on purpose when these same people say I would never do such a thing? I AM SO CONFUSED. They sit there, hugging me, holding me, smiling with me, and soon enough, I find out that this was all a farce because underneath, I was hurting them.

I'm so quick to forgive and forget so this sort of thing boggles me. I understand that is not everyone and I don't mind that at all, but it's why I don't understand.

I don't understand anything. How will I ever write those e-mails if I am still having trouble figuring out just what the problem is? Some people tell me and I don't understand. Some people don't tell me and I don't understand.


Do you still look at me like I look at you? I think about you. I talk about you. I miss you. I miss the things we've had. I want to joke around with you. When was it that you didn't want to joke around with me anymore and instead, I became, "that person who hurt me"?

I am tired of fixing things when I can't even find the crack that is breaking everything. I only have so much glue, but it does not seem to be enough or strong enough.

I love everyone. Even if you hurt me, I loved you and I could love you again. I might still do. I don't want to hurt you.

Why don't people trust that my heart is in the right place when I've done it for everyone else? Just now, when I wrote that, I suddenly felt so selfish. Augh. I don't want to be an attention whore and I know that people do and it's like...Idk.

I WILL write something. To everyone. One day.

On a last note, this is a jumbled mess of feelings so consider it like seventeen entries at once. I'm trying to sift through my thoughts. It's definitely not all related to one another, and it's definitely not pointing at any single person.
popcandy: (Yachiru ♦ Hee.)

[livejournal.com profile] ville_delumiere you were a glorious piece of wtf. /rereading posts, crying

How many of you were in VDL anyway?

popcandy: (Default)


From now on, if you think I'm gonna respect pushing people's buttons when they don't have the damn decency to respect mine or think it's not okay for me to do something when they sit and do the same exact thing? Forget that. Don't even expect it out of me if you think you can use me for something like that. CUZ I'M NOT GONNA LET ANYONE CONTROL ME LIKE THAT.

Screw. That. LOL.
popcandy: (Default)
Something I was thinking about in class today.

My teacher somehow got into a tangent about being a professor. He gave us a lot of his own experiences growing up such as when he was stuck with a professor who would assign fifty page papers, and then not even bother reading them. Just a checkmark. And he talked about the experiences he had going to seminars and with his professor and all, and it made me think a bit.

Like... sometimes I wonder. Can I do that? Could I be a professor? Wouldn't that be kind of a neat thing? Like it is weird cuz I get ideas for what I wan tto do all the time but this is the one that sort of struck a chord with me for some odd reason. I thought "it wouldn't be so bad". Like I see people who are working to achieve prof. status such as [livejournal.com profile] unsymbolic and [livejournal.com profile] izkariote and I'm like...wow. That's so crazy.

I sort of want to try it. I do want to go for a masters at least, one point in my life, but there is a fear inside of me. It's not that I don't have what it takes. It's that I won't put the effort necessary to complete it. Or that I won't be able to take the first step. Or I don't want it bad enough. I'm not even sure if I want it.

It's also hard cuz I cannot imagine being a graduate anywhere else but UWF. I love my teachers. It's why this idea came into my head because I SERIOUSLY LOVE MY TEACHERS. Admittedly, I only had like...six different ones but they all gave a crap about their students and I loved that. Even the classes that I nearly failed on? Yeah, I still think they are amazing teachers because they care. Absolutely wonderful. These are what professors should be. My teacher took 25 minutes out of lecture time (that he never wastes LOL) just to tell us how he felt about what a professor stood for. And how college professors should be the ABSOLUTE BEST quality because they too could be leading future professors, etc etc. and an uncaring teacher is the worst.


Idk, it's just something I've been considering and I think I'll be looking into it. History is a beautiful subject and I wish I would give it my all sometimes (I really like Victorian England and British Constitutional history so far. I also like the various wars kekeke). I am finding certain subjects I really enjoy!

I'd want to do it at UWF but their program does not seem so large so it makes me sad but augh. I love them so much, I really really do. I guess we'll see. One last thing before bed.

marry, do, dump )
popcandy: (Bad trio ♦ Hot)
How many of you have a x-mas listed posted up? You should link it to me here...
popcandy: (Default)
12:00 - 5 PAGES done accomplished
01:00 - 6 PAGES done half a page
04:00 - 7 PAGES done GOT HOME LATE
05:00 - 8 PAGES done GOT HOME LATE
06:00 - 9 PAGES done (trying to at least reach page 7 to catch up)Wow catching up is failing atm
07:00 - 10 PAGES done Seven pages done. It's not so bad. Could be worse. Lets attempt for 9!
08:00 - 11 PAGES done Eight pages done.
09:00 - 12 PAGES done Nine pages done. FIXED. Am ten pages done!!!
10:00 - 13 PAGES done
11:00 - 14 PAGES done
12:00 - 15 PAGES done
01:00 - 16 PAGES done
02:00 - 17 PAGES done

1PM: - 18 PAGES done
2PM - 19 PAGES done
3PM - 20 Pages done
04:00 - 21 PAGES done
05:00 - 22 pages done
06:00 - 23 pages done
07:00 - 24 pages done
08:00 - 25 pages done
09:00 -26pages done
10:00 -27pages done
11:00 -28pages done
12:00 -29pages done
01:00 -30 pages done
01:00-10:00 - CITATIONS

NEW Schedule
6:30AM - starting at 12/13 pages
8:30AM - Get to page 15
2PM: - 15 PAGES Done
3PM - 17
4PM - 19 Pages
05:00 - 21 PAGES
06:00 - 23 pages

07:00 - 25 pages 21 pages done. Considering I slept for an hour or so, it isn't terrible!!
08:00 - 27 pages
09:00 - 29 pages
10:00 -30 pages

3AM - Finish citations 01
6AM - Finish citations 02
9AM - Finish citations 03
popcandy: (Yotsuba ♦ Why you do this.)
WELL. I did hit page five instead of six. BETTER THAN I THOUGHT but my attention is still SHOT. HIT PAGE SEVEN BY NINE O CLOCK, SELF.

I'll just start editing this post.

EDIT 1: 9:00 goal reached. 7 pages is a-ok.

popcandy: (Vietnam ♦ Adurr...)
Icon fits me right now.

I'm so closed to done, gotta just edit three papers and finito but I cannot muster up the energy to do so. I just end up spamming plurk (annoying everyone?!)

I have 2 out of 30 pages edited. My goal is to hit 10 sob. I have about what, 6-8 hours? OKAY. Gonna try to hit two pages per hour. I'LL POST A NEW LJ ENTRY AT EIGHT TO LET YOU KNOW IF I HIT PAGE SIX YET.
popcandy: (Default)
Leave a comment and I will tell you an honest truth that I've wanted to say to you.

Comments are screened. ♥

These will possibly be late because of paper.
popcandy: (Belarus ♦ :-|)
7/10 - Decline of the British empire
10/10 - Execution Laws in Great Britain
7/10 - The Teutonic Knights Crusades
10/10 - Civil Rights with Naturalization

I am 85% done! AAA. So close! Actually, I am about 60% done cuz I need to edit the first three papers...which means I need to rewrite nearly the entire thing lol. But once I write down the bulk, it's pretty easy and takes maybe half a day each if I work steadily (usually I don't, which is why I set aside three days for editing/citing it hahahaha).

popcandy: (Luka ♦ Why?)
Suddenly a mood crash.

I'll try harder.

At least I've finished the second paper (sans edits) when I was aiming to just reach 7 which is good.
popcandy: (Default)

Seriously, I only turned in one of the four papers that are due but suddenly, I just feel AWESOME. Like I feel like my old self again.

I know I don't talk about it much but for the past month...no, maybe longer? But yeah, I've just been feeling a strange sort of stress. Kind of sad? Like... a weird sense of never having enough time to recover from...something. It's really hard to put it into words because while I say it felt like I didn't have time, I did have some time! I enjoyed my going outs, my movies, the halloween party, etc. but I have been on edge for a while and I think the past few weeks have not been helping. It is easy to put up a smile when it feels like things are crashing around you, right?

But FOR ONCE, I finished a paper with so much time to spare. Well that being a few hours, but I was actually able to proofread it a bajillion times! Fixed up thousands of tense problems (that training from [livejournal.com profile] aimaru has been useful!) and just... it was a good feeling. It was such a tiny accomplishment but it felt good.

I've been thinking about so many things, about so many people, about the good and bad, and I feel like now I can approach them with a clearer head? Without so much anger or sadness? The strength is still there so I won't back down, but at the same time, I won't lash out! Having this time has been so helpful in recovering a really, really worn out spirit.

Thank you to those that have been extremely patient with me. You know I love you, every single one of you. Yes, you, you, you and you! Those on my flist, and those that are not. Those who I've had fights with and those who have been there forever. I am not a perfect person and these past few months have been extremely hard so I can only thank you all for being amazing people, amazing friends, for caring, for listening, for waiting, for trying and never giving up.

popcandy: (Finland ♦ o shits)
I feel bad cuz I've failed to do this for several reasons last year (lets not get into that, hahaha). But I really, really want to do it this year as in...that's all I want to do once school is out! May or may not contain surprises?! We'll see.

If you would like to give me a x-mas card, just link your own post.

OH YES. I'll send x-mas cards out of America, too! I just don't know how many stamps and junk I'll need to stick on your envelope. I'LL EVENTUALLY FIGURE IT OUT...

So yeah, just leave your name, address, and...idk whatever else you want to note!

Comments are screened btw.
popcandy: (Hungary ♦ Munch munch munch)
Happy Halloween everyone!

1. Create a graphic (200 x 200 max size) to represent your personal "candy". It should have your username on it, but otherwise can feature whatever you want. Make it something special since it's self-representative.

2. Make a post with the subject "trick or treat?". Put your "candy" somewhere in it, and be sure to repost these instructions.

3. Then, go around other people's LJs and reply to them with either "trick" or "treat". If you reply with "trick", they will give you an LJ dare that you have to perform before taking their candy. If you're too wimpy for that, simply say "treat" and take their candy.

4. List all your collected candies in your original "trick or treat?" post to show off your collection. Feel free to hot-link mine, it's on imgur.

If you posted this meme somewhar, I'd definitely love to have a link so I can steal yours! LOTS OF LOVE.

Feel free to pick which ones you like, kesese.
popcandy: (Belarus ♦ Watching)
I've been thinking about it for quite some time, and I think I'll be doing a friends cut.

I don't check LJ often enough to give proper attention to the people around. If you haven't updated in like...three months, or if I never reply to you etc, I'll probably end up taking those people off unless you would like me to keep you anyway? If you want to, just leave a comment, things are screened, etc.

Also if I removed you, but if you still want in, just say so. :V
popcandy: (Default)
So this rp that I've been wanting to work with. I have more of a general idea of what I'm going to do. If I open earlier than December, I'll be surprised so I have a lot of time to think.

Syndicates mixed with a touch of fantasy. If there was a way I can toss in medievaly or victorian settings, I might add that in. It might be a bit too much. I want to keep a sense of modern magic though.

I haven't drawn the line as to how much fantasy would be allowed anyhow. Magical powers would have to be earned. There is an idea where a new set of magic mechanics would be made so that each character will be leaning towards one particular magic and will be able to learn skills from that. So characters who used to have powers and those who did not will all have equal chances to learn.

One thing is that it's not a complete YOU'RE STUCK HERE RP. There will be several "sets" of plotline. After one plot is done, the characters get to choose to go home. They will have options to come back which will benefit them if they do. So each plot lasts a few months, then a new set of players can come back or something. There WILL be incentives if they come back or if they stay. Maybe they lost someone and they're looking for them. Maybe a body part was stolen in the process of gaining powers. This part needs to be thought up a bit more.

No memory loss. Not really needed I think. I like OCs but that's a maybe.

So mob syndicates. Any mob bosses would more than likely be npc'd by a mod. Maybe three BIG families. They have each acquired magic to pull people from their worlds. Many of these other world people have awesome powers so the syndicate with the strongest characters end up wins control. However, they don't want THEIR power to be usurped. So they gotta be careful and limit them to gaining one power at a time.

(There's another option where the summoning magic is just crude or incomplete thus characters can only gain their powers...some other way. Will think more on this LATER.)

Each PLOT thingamajig will have a goal. Whoever reaches that goal or participates gets certain things. You get one power. You get a car. You get new clothes. You get a girl for the day. Things like that.

On top of this, there will be a good side or a revolutionary side I should say and they'll be trying to find a way to stop these families.

Because of the several plot methods, you can have several characters and not worry about burnout or things like that. You can get breaks and there's always a good excuse for them to not come back because they're always going home. Plots will obviously concentrate on different parts of the story (one mafia family, revolutionary, etc.). Maybe one plot a month? Two months? It will vary perhaps.

If you want to make a suggestion, I'm willing to listen! Questions are nice too cuz they make me THINK. Okie dokie, ilu.

Edit: Maybe we can integrate a tabletop/card system for it.
popcandy: (Default)
I woke up to a freaky dream and I can't go back to sleep. Boo.

On another note, did get an rp idea. Whether I'll make this an rp or not...probably not rofl, but it would be fun?!

Your character is in search for something. Whatever world s/he is in, s/he discovers from a reliable source a way to get it. So s/he uses some method to get to this strange area. The character finds out that they can get whatever they want, but they have to earn it. How?

They just have to cut off something from an other person. It can range from part of a finger to an eye or an entire leg, but it has to be something that the person can feel. Part of a nail won't work, but a whole one will. Hair doesn't work, but part of the scalp does.

Of course, this is just the beginning. People will want their limbs back, and they will do whatever it takes to get it. And you can believe that they will have help to do so...

Things to edit if this idea ever goes through:
-The strange area. What does it look like?
-How do characters find out about the cutting of body parts to get what they want? (consider npc)
-What all can be cut off?
-For those who lose their limbs, can they get them back?
-If so, how?
-What are methods of revenge?
-If so, who will help them?
-Powers allowed y/n? (more than likely y)
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